


Fear of Abandonment

by SleepingTides



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Ben is the responsible one, But it's okay, Cannonverse AU, F/M, Fix-It of Sorts, Force Bond (Star Wars), Force Bond Shenanigans, Force Dyad (Star Wars), Force Sex (Star Wars), Happy Ending, Rey is horny, Reylo - Freeform, Slight Dom/Sub Dynamics, The first order hates it, Unplanned Pregnancy, the resistance hates it
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-14
Updated: 2020-11-29
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:06:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,949
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25265080
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SleepingTides/pseuds/SleepingTides
Summary: “You’re undressing,” she accuses through her teeth, “in front of me.”“You could turn around.” He states simply and continues to pull the black-- of course it is black-- sweater off of him and toss it aside. Rey’s cheeks begin to fill with heat and she looks up at the ceiling of her room, avoiding Kylo’s bare chest in front of her.“Kriff, Ben,” she cries in embarrassment. He doesn’t respond but he continues his endeavor and she hears the buckle of a belt. “Ben,” she begs. “Stop.”Movement ceases, and she looks down at him after a pause. He’s standing there, pants half undone, chest bare. She sees his torso fill with air and deflate as he breathes out. Damn if the man isn’t gorgeous. She’s hot and bothered. There's no other way to put it.“I’m not going to do anything,” He says, a bit obvious.“I know,” She rasps out. “It’s just…”His lips press together briefly. She breathes in. It’s nothimshe’s worried about.Or the one where Rey is lonely and horny when the force bond connects them one night and there are consequences.
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Rey, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 34
Kudos: 263





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi Everyone! A Reylo prompt on Twitter has personally attacked me again. I might change some of it slightly to fit my story, but the general idea remains the same.
> 
> "A Reylo AU fic where Ben and Rey have sex close to the events of TROS through a force bond (thinking it wouldn't be, eh, *real*) and Rey becomes pregnant, something Ben senses during the festival, followed by what happens until Rey goes to the WBW, after having the baby."
> 
> My writing is un-beta'd and every mistake is mine. Also, I SUCK at writing cannon. Have fun!

It’s green everywhere. Green, humid, and hot. Rey wants to remember this place forever. She wants to soak in the sounds, the chirps, the low murmurs of the jungle. Hold them in her mind forever and remember what it felt like to touch the wet, broad leaves of an especially tall plant as she walked through this steamy space. She’s been training out here for months under General Organa’s tutelage. Even though she was only on Ahch-To for a few days, she’s done her best to keep what master Skywalker had taught her in mind as she trudges through the jungle at dawn. She had woken up before the sun rose, like everyday since they have been on Ajan Kloss. It’s an odd ritual, meditating, but she has become accustomed to it first thing in the morning; it provides her with the calm she needs to pursue her training in the Jedi arts. Leia does her best to provide her with all she knows, all she was taught during her own Jedi training, and it provides her with the mental and emotional strength to keep _him_ out. Well, at least to a certain extent. 

She still sees him, but glimpses of him only. It’s because she has been meditating that she’s able to keep him at bay most of the time and he’s unable to see her for more than a second; he’s unable to poke and probe at her mind during the times when she is unguarded. It is so much work, keeping the wall up in her mind. She has to admit that it is uncomfortable too, and even feels unnatural, _wrong_. Which is why she’s only able to keep the shields up when she’s fully conscious. It is way harder when she’s in a drowsy state, in the cusp of sleep. That’s when she sees him the most. He’s caught her more than once in that space where she is drifting off, mumbling, exhausted after a long day of training, or a provision run, or a crying fit after the rest of the base has gone to sleep. She can’t help it. It seems no amount of meditation will ever allow her to shut him out completely. Luckily, when it has happened, Rey has quickly regained full consciousness and slammed the connection shut within a few seconds. He has never gotten more than a syllable out in the past months since Crait. Which is good, because she doesn’t want to hear what impossible manipulation he wants to try this time. It broke her heart, the last time they spoke. She still feels the burn in her chest when she thinks about his outstretched hand. The vulnerability in it, and how wrong it all felt.

“Don’t do this, Ben.” 

Sometimes she still mumbles that in her sleep, when she dreams of him. His impossibly dark eyes on hers and his hand outstretched. Sometimes the dream is a memory. Other times, like last night, it’s an ode to his beauty, to the way he stands tall but his spirit feels small. She wants to memorize every angle of his face, every freckle, every curve of his soft-looking lips. He sometimes has a pleading look on his face and such adoration in his gaze. She only wishes his invitation had been different, that it had been to join forces to defend the galaxy, not destroy it with darkness and greed. There is always a hunger in her, a yearning to take his hand in her dreams, just like there had been in the real moment, but she can never slip her fingers into his, so she wakes up broken-hearted all over again, with tears trailing down her cheeks.

Today, she promises to herself that she will fall asleep quickly. She’ll drink the honeyed mead the resistance pilots drink before bed, and talk with Finn about whatever it is he wants to tell her that day. That usually does the trick. It’s when she lingers in her room, lonely and unsatisfied with the day’s training that Rey sees him. Which is why she trains hard to make Leia proud. She meditates in the morning and runs through the course in the afternoon, only taking a break at noon when BB-8 shows up to check on her. She trains hard and fast, and is utterly beat on the way back to camp.

She washes up thoroughly in the communal ‘fresher down her hall, scrubbing the sweat and dirt off. She only has an allotted 7 minutes, but she’s fast. She rinses off the cheap, home-made soap that has been assigned to her, dries herself off quickly, and leaves her hair unbound when she dresses. It needs to dry so that she can put it up when she wakes in the morning. After she’s picked up after herself, she walks to the makeshift cantina only to see Poe and Finn in deep conversation.

“Hey you,” Finn greets with a wave when he spots her. His perfect white teeth flash in a friendly smile that makes Rey’s heart feel comfortable and at ease. She is happy to see him at the end of every day that she can, and remembers to set aside a time to be thankful for her friends during her meditations.

“Hey yourself,” she says, with a half grin.

“What about me? I don’t exist?” Poe says, with a mock undignified look on his face. Rey smiles brilliantly and laughs.

Poe is new. New to her, at least. But a good kind of new. A new that brings a fresh set of ideals, thoughts, and conversations to her everyday life with the Resistance. Poe signifies the fight, the struggle, and the hope that they will defeat the First Order with his imaginative plans and inspirational speeches. The man is smart as hell, but as impulsive. She learns to respect and fear the man; exactly how he deserves to be seen, all wrapped in a sometimes messy bow of newly found friendship. It provides arguments and discussion, but also banter and laughs. Poe is her friend and comrade. There are no other words for it. She feels glad to see him today.

“Hello to you as well.” She responds.

Poe smirks and pours Rey a drink from the pitcher at the center of the table. She picks up the dented metal cup with one hand and sits across from him, taking a big gulp of the honeyed mead. It doesn’t taste the best, but it’ll do the trick for tonight.

“How was your training today?” Finn asks Rey with a soft grin. She shrugs and pats back some frizz she can see out of the corner of her eye.

“General Organa says I’m making progress. But I’m not so sure.” She replies.

“I’m sure you’re doing great, Rey.” He reassures her and pats her arm. She nods and sends a soft smile his way. “It’s better than some of the things this one has me doing.” He says, gesturing with his cup at Poe. 

Poe scoffs in a friendly way and nurses his mead, “There’s a lot to do out there my friend. We can’t all hide from it here.” He avoids Rey’s eyes. Finn quickly changes the line of the conversation.

“We were just talking; a message from the Mid Rim was sent, encrypted, to General Organa. There may be a rebel base hidden somewhere in Bothawi.” Finn says, taking a sip of his drink.

“Bothawi?” Rey asks, astounded.

“We may need to go there tomorrow.” Finn says, and Rey looks at him with wide eyes.

“The Mid Rim is extremely dangerous right now!” She exclaims, a black spot of fear somewhere inside her.

“We are doing what needs to be done.” Poe states. “I hope you don’t mind if we ask you to pilot the Falcon.”

Rey eyes him. Is he trying to provoke her?

“‘We all?’” She questions. She is genuinely confused, “Who exactly do you mean, Poe?”

“Come on Rey. Don’t do this. We need you out there.” Poe says.

“I’ve got training here.” Rey states and puts her cup down, staring at him.

“Not this again…” she hears Finn murmur under his breath while he scrubs his face with his free hand. She sighs and looks down at her drink. They’ve talked about this before. It has never turned into an actual argument, but today it feels like Poe is picking a fight.

“Poe, I’ve told you, I need to stay here. My training is not that simple.” Rey says, a little frustration seeping into her tone. General Organa has already told Poe multiple times Rey is needed here. She needs to continue her training.

“I’ve heard you say that a hundred times, but do you think Chewie is going to be happy about that? He hates it when I pilot the Falcon.” He says, trying to sound nonchalant, but it is clear he’s annoyed and does not agree with the situation. Ever since Han died, she’s been piloting the Falcon. Chewie only trusts her. Poe has taken the ship out here and there; the Wookie, however, isn’t necessarily fond of it.

“He will understand.” She murmurs, resisting the urge to roll her eyes,

“He won’t.” Poe says as he slams his cup down, and Rey tenses. “Rey, enough is enough. What good is this training? What are you getting out of it?”

“What?” Rey asks in an accusatory tone, and she cannot believe what she’s hearing. They’ve talked enough on this topic. Poe has to understand this isn’t exactly what she wants, but it is necessary all the same. This is where she needs to be. “I am working on what Luke Skywalker started. I cannot stray from the path, Poe.”

“Yes, yes. You and the General seem so bent out of shape in regards to that, but how is it helping the resistance? How is it helping you? You are already a great fighter Rey.”

“Poe, maybe we should--” Finn attempts but it is too late, Rey’s temper is past the point of no return.

“What do you know of Jedi training and what I do here everyday?” Rey demands in a stern tone.

“What do you know of what’s going on out there?” Poe asks, raising his voice and pointing his finger out, gesturing wildly. ”The only reason you know what is happening out in the galaxy is because of me and Finn! When was the last time you went on a mission? Has it been two weeks since you went on a supply run? People are fighting out there every day, Rey!”

“You think I don’t know that?” She yells back, her eyes wide.

“Guys, I think--” Finn interjects again with no success.

“Take the Falcon!” She says, standing up abruptly and gesturing at Poe, “The best pilot in the galaxy should be able to handle it.” The statement is laced with sarcasm and annoyance.

“I am more than capable--” He starts, but she doesn’t need to hear that. She already knows Poe can handle it. That is not what she cares about. Yet...

“Good! Make sure you don’t completely ruin the damn ship this time!” It seems like it is all coming out of her mouth before she can stop it, before she can think about what she’s saying, how she’s saying it, and what the consequences of it are.

“Make sure you don’t cut BB-8 in half like you almost did during your training last time!” he retaliates, and it stings. She loves BB-8. She would never purposefully hurt BB-8. The little droid is the first real friend she ever made.

“Fine!” She yells at Poe with a stomp.

“Fine!” He yells right back, waving his hand in the air, and Rey stomps away to her room. She fails to hear her best friend’s sigh and Poe’s “What?” as Finn drops his head onto the table. 

Rey huffs as she enters her room and plops belly down on the makeshift bed that consists of a few haphazard blankets and a pillow, all old and stained; things left behind by the last occupants of this base. She’s washed them plenty, and they smell like her now, like her own space, and her own solitude. She never thought she would miss her old home in Jakku, if you could even call it that, but sometimes she is overwhelmed by the noise, the people, and the responsibilities that come with being in the resistance. She sighs into her pillow, taking a deep breath and tells herself that Poe has good intentions, that his qualm isn’t with her, it’s with the fact that they’re losing this war and that they’re losing people daily. She turns to her side holding her pillow and lets herself _feel_. Years alone in Jakku had brought out the survival mechanism of burying her emotions deep within her; she had no one to share them with, no one to comfort her, no one to talk her through it after all. Emotions were useless in Jakku. Here, though, emotions keep her connected to her reality, and they are even good to process during meditation. So she centers her mind on her heart and begins to pull and unravel the lead-heavy weight at her chest.

She begins by trying to rationalize her friend’s actions. Poe isn’t really upset with her, but their argument still hurts nonetheless. It’s a pitiful argument but an argument all the same. It makes her feel… angry? Poe doesn’t understand that Rey’s training is essential. She may be a good fighter for them, but she will be useless against the dark forces if she doesn’t train. There is darkness in her, she knows this, Master Luke also knew this, and so she has to meditate everyday to process that, to learn to cope with the pull.

She also feels restless; and that emotion is more complicated. She feels restless because she _knows_ she could do more. So much more. Yet she’s stuck here, begging for the Jedi before her to connect with her through the force. She chants ‘be with me’ everyday, but they are _never_ with her, and she is starting to wonder if it’s all for naught.

She also feels… misunderstood. As much as Finn trusts her and supports her, he could never understand the burden she carries. The responsibility given to her by Master Luke was magnanimous and its weight is oppressive. Finn has no perspective or understanding of such a thing, force sensitive as he may be; so if Finn can’t understand her, how can she expect Poe to?

That last thought makes Rey feel lonely, and lonely is the _worst_ feeling for Rey. The one feeling she has not been able to sort through, because there is no benefit to loneliness. Loneliness only leads to fear and darkness.

Tears begin to blur Rey’s vision, which frustrates her, so she closes her eyes forcefully. She pulls a shaky breath through her lips and she feels herself frown in the effort not to cry any harder. She fails at this. The loneliness she feels, the pull to the dark side through the force, the responsibility to the light side, it all tears her apart. She could never explain any of the feelings coursing through her to anyone. No one would understand. They each have their struggles, she knows this. This is not a pity party. What it is, though, is the desperate yearn to connect in understanding with someone else. The frantic need to explain her burden and have someone not only acknowledge it, but agree and feel the same.

She feels herself unable to hold her tears in any longer and simply lets go, crying her eyes out. She sobs for a while; it could be an hour or five minutes, she isn’t too sure, but when she finally feels like she can pull in a full breath, she hears it. She hears the inevitable and haunting hum the bond makes right before she sees him. It drowns her senses and she pulls herself into a tighter position, bringing her knees towards her chest and head down to hide her face.

The bond snaps into place and silence settles over them both. She realizes she doesn’t have the strength to shut him out in this moment and she lets a sob rack her body. Rey can feel his heavy eyes on her, inspecting her frame and her breathing. He realizes what’s happening and takes a deep breath, blinking slowly and tilting his head. She’s trying so hard not to move, not to let him see her vulnerability, but it is so late. Too late for all of that. The nature of the bond would never allow her to hide. He sees everything, _feels_ everything through the bond. From the moment they touched each other in that damned hut in Ahch-To, Kylo Ren can read her like an open book, just like she can read him. It takes tremendous mental strength to shut him out, which is why she often feels exhausted. As for him… He has never once tried to block her out. He has never made it seem like the bond is a burden to him, and this makes Rey’s mind wonder and think about the million possibilities of the realities she would be living in had she just taken his hand in the _Supremacy_.

“Leave,” she murmurs, her voice broken. There’s a long pause where she almost wants to look up at him, but fights the urge with all her might.

“You and I both know that’s not how this works.” His voice is always so gravelly and low.

“It is. You can.” She says, sniffling, “Leave, that is.”

Another pause. Kylo presses his lips together before he replies.

“No.” 

That does it. She sniffles once more and looks up at him with angry reddened eyes. “Why must you be so difficult?” she demands impatiently.

He raises one eyebrow slightly, as if saying ‘Me? I’m the difficult one?’

“Now is not a good time.” She confesses begrudgingly. She sits up and wipes softly at her eyes and cheeks looking down at her lap. He studies her face for a few seconds and stands there like he’s got nowhere better to be.

“It is never a good time for you.” He says with something that sounds like chagrin interlaced in his words. She looks up at him again and takes in his face. He looks tired. There are dark circles under his eyes, and his skin is pale and ashen. Her brows furrow. She really hasn’t paid much attention to what he looks like whenever she does see him. Now that she can’t shut him out, she notices the way his shoulders hang and the way he sits, dropping down on the chair heavily. She looks at his clothing, he’s wearing his usual Supreme Leader outfit. He sees the way she’s regarding him, taking everything in. It must not bother him, because he begins unfastening his cape and the collar on his outer shirt, and takes off the pins at his chest and cuffs. He sets them down on some invisible surface and they disappear as soon as they slip out of his large gloved hand. He looks at her again as he leans forward on his knees.

“Why are you not closing the connection?” He asks, his voice even and low. Rey’s gaze drifts from his face to the floor. She can’t bear to look at his intense eyes right now. Not when she sees them almost every night in her dreams. She doesn’t answer for a while, but he waits patiently.

“I’m tired.” She replies simply. 

Kylo lifts his chin slightly, studying her face again. “You could still do it.”

Is he calling her bluff? She sighs. Reality is, for some stupid, stupid reason, Rey doesn’t want to. She feels the smug satisfaction through the bond and she knows that Kylo Ren is aware of the fact that she doesn’t want to close the connection. That she is not going to.

“Stop it.” She demands, but there is no fire behind her words. She’s been dreaming of seeing his handsome face for weeks, but everytime she feels his presence drawing near through the bond, her duty to the resistance kicks in, half asleep or not, and she forcefully slams the connection shut. Today, lonely and sad, she cannot bring herself to do it.

He lifts an eyebrow at her. ‘Stop what?’

He doesn’t say it, but she knows what he’s thinking. “You know what you’re doing. I can feel the smugness from here.”

He stares intently at her and it unnerves her. He’s drinking her in, not having been able to see her for weeks. Not being able to get a word in. “Did you call it into being?” He says with a scholarly tone, as if he’s not interested in anything but the logic behind it all.

“Why would I do that?” She says, offended. Why would she activate the force bond? He looks between her eyes, back and forth.

“You’re sad.” He says, matter-of-factly. She huffs. 

“Thank you for pointing out the obvious.” There is no use hiding. Not from him. Not since the cave. Not since she saw his future, only to be heartbroken later when he decided not to join her.

He stays silent. Why must he be so broody? She knows the darkness that has followed him around since his birth, but still. Must she carry the conversation on by herself?

“No, I did not call this into being.” She answers belatedly and a little aggravated. He hums in response. A moment passes. She refuses, in her mind, to continue the conversation by herself. He stands, and in a shocking turn of events, begins undressing. He takes off his gloves first and begins unbuttoning the ribbed garment of outerwear. Rey gapes at him but can’t bring to say anything because, well, she simply doesn’t know what to say.

He tosses the clothing aside and begins toeing off his boots. He turns once again towards Rey and notices the dumbfounded look on her face.

“What?” He asks, as if he’s not doing anything wrong.

“What do you think you are doing?” She asks, outraged. 

“Going to sleep.” He replies without a qualm. 

“You’re undressing,” she accuses through her teeth, “in front of me.”

“You could turn around.” He states simply and continues to pull the black-- of course it is black-- sweater off of him and toss it aside. Rey’s cheeks begin to fill with heat and she looks up at the ceiling of her room, avoiding Kylo’s bare chest in front of her.

“Kriff, Ben,” she cries in embarrassment. He doesn’t respond but he continues his endeavor and she hears the buckle of a belt. “Ben,” she begs. “Stop.”

Movement ceases, and she looks down at him after a pause. He’s standing there, pants half undone, chest bare. She sees his torso fill with air and deflate as he breathes out. Damn if the man isn’t gorgeous. She’s hot and bothered. There's no other way to put it.

“I’m not going to do anything,” He says, a bit obvious.

“I know,” She rasps out. “It’s just…”

His lips press together briefly. She breathes in. It’s not _him_ she’s worried about. 

“It’s just what?” he probes.

“Ben…” She breathes and suddenly he knows. He knows she’s been dreaming of him nearly every night and that it’s not just of him extending his hand, offering it to her. He sees the images that run through her head, his fingers grazing her lips, his mouth on her neck, her thighs wrapped around his waist. For the first time in a long time, Kylo Ren feels his chest fill with heat and a fluttering something. He feels the way Rey has woken up with an insistent throbbing between her soft thighs and ran her fingers down her body, thinking of him, of his lips, of his chest, of all of him.

He’s so damn tall, so damn broad, and Rey has never wanted anything more in her life. She knows she shouldn’t. She knows wanting him and letting him know just how _much_ she has wanted him is a huge mistake, but the thing is, it doesn’t _feel_ wrong. In fact, wanting him feels so damn right. Nothing has ever felt this right.

“Rey,” he begins, and... is that fear she senses in his voice?

“Don’t say anything.” She says, her cheeks and chest red. She’s not ashamed of wanting him. Her chin is up high and her shoulders are back. She will not be made to feel less for being a woman. For being human.

His dark gaze is on her and she takes it in stride. As vulnerable as it all makes her feel, it doesn’t feel wrong for him to know. Kylo searches her gaze and breathes in heavily through his nose, He closes his eyes and suddenly Rey is overwhelmed by images, by touches, by sounds. Oh, _the sounds_.

He wants her. He wants her just like she wants him.

His dreams are a lot more graphic, a lot more real. She’s never been with a man. Jakku saw to that. Ben, on the other hand, has been with a woman before. The knowledge of this irritates Rey, but she files the knowledge away for some other time, and revels, instead, on the dreams Kylo Ren has been having about her. The little scavenger from Jakku. She haunts his dreams just like he haunts hers.

In his fantasies, Rey is bent out of shape by the way he licks at her, sucks at her clit. He’s imagined the sounds she’d make as she orgasms around his cock, the way her nails would feel digging into his ass as he pounds into her, he’s imagined it a million ways, a million times. And not just in his dreams.

Rey gasps through it all and she’s heaving by the time the visions subside. Kylo is breathing heavily as well, his lips slightly parted and arousal clear in the way his pants tent around his cock. 

“You should’ve kept that all to yourself.” He says menacingly.

“I should say the same for you.” She contends. He gazes down at her with a curled lip.

“Is this one of your games?” He demands.

“What?” She rears back.

“What is the end game, here?” He insists, his dark gaze solely focused on her. “You refused my hand, Rey.”

Ah, she sees what he’s getting at. It’s so heartbreaking, how the dark side has blinded him. “And?”

“You don’t want me. You don’t want to rule by my side.”

“I don’t want a meaningless throne.” She agrees.

“Then?” He demands, stepping closer to her. “What you want won’t get you me. I will not give up my empire.”

“What I want will help me feel less lonely.” She confesses. It shuts him up but his gaze intensifies. “What I want will make me forget I am alone.”

He lifts his chin. “That’s all?”

“That is all.” She lies. 

And he buys it.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELLO BOYS AND GIRLS! This depressed bitch has finally had some functionality and oxytocin released in her brain. So here you go! Enjoy (;
> 
> P.S.: I've added a tag. Please check it out before you read this chapter.

“What is the end game, here?” It seems ridiculous that Kylo Ren thinks Rey of Jakku, the innocent and naive scavenger, could possibly attempt to manipulate him. Is he serious? “You refused my hand, Rey.”

“And?” The darkside has completely blinded him. He thinks Rey is capable of playing a game with him? All she does is agonize over the moment she had to refuse his hand. Why can’t he see that?

“You don’t want me. You don’t want to rule by my side.” He’s so wrong. _So_ wrong. She would die to be with him. She longs to put an order in the galaxy _together_ , bit just not in the way he wants it to be.

“I don’t want a meaningless throne.” Not a throne. She doesn’t want a throne. She just wants him. She wants Ben. 

“Then?” He demands, stepping closer to her. “What you want won’t get you me. I will not give up my empire.” And there it is. The greed that has been planted inside him by Snoke’s lies. The voices have told him that he _deserves_ to rule just because he is strong in the force. And Rey hates it. She knows what he really wants deep down, and it does not include an empire or the responsibilities that come with being its emperor. It’s all a lie.

She won’t be able to convince him to give it all up and she knows this because she’s already tried. Instead, she opts for the safer option. The option where all he will see is her superficial needs and not the ones in her heart. “What I want will help me feel less lonely.” She confesses. It shuts him up but his gaze intensifies, “What I want will make me forget I am alone.” She’s not lying. She’s not. This will help her feel connected to someone; someone who understands her and feels the same burdens she does, if only on the opposite end of the spectrum. He’s the dark and she’s the light, and somehow, being with him eases the turmoil in her soul. 

He lifts his chin, “That’s all?”

It may not be all, but it’s enough. She’s only telling him the very surface of what she wants, which is enough to mollify him and end his interrogation.

“That is all.” She says, even when she knows there is so much more in her heart, in her soul. 

He buys it. In a second, he’s stepping tentatively forward towards her and she’s doing the same. They meet halfway and she looks up at him through her pretty, long, dark lashes and he tenses. It’s the same way she looked at him when they were in the elevator before he killed Snoke, except this time there’s even more heat in her eyes—if that’s possible.

“I’ve never done this before,” she says softly; her sweet voice low and full of tension, but there’s no shame in it, no embarrassment. She places her hands on his chest and they both shudder at the touch. His bare skin is so soft, warm, and smooth, whereas her hands are the opposite, rough and calloused from her days of scavenging and training. 

“I know,” he says breathily.

“Show me”, she says, as she brushes her hands upwards, one tangling in his hair and the other touching his face. The way she’s so confident drives him crazy and her light caresses are everything he has craved since he first saw her. He looks down at her mouth and slants his ever so lightly over hers, testing the waters. She makes a low sound in the back of her throat and revels in the feel of his warm and soft lips pressing against hers. This is her first kiss: the immediate heat and fluttering in her chest and stomach has her over the moons. He separates from her slowly and they both open their eyes to look into each other’s. His gaze is so dark and hungry and yet so filled with an aching affection that makes her eyes water. “Ben,” she whispers, not able to make a sound other than a breathy word.

He leans back in, this time more sure and with slightly more enthusiasm. He fuses his mouth to hers so slowly but presses harder and licks at her bottom lip. She moans and opens her mouth for him, dragging her fingers through his soft hair and holding his beautifully chiseled jaw. As they kiss, her body presses closer to his, heat and electricity bolting right through her to her core, and she feels the need to press herself against him harder. He responds by leaning into her, wrapping a ridiculously strong arm around her waist and placing his other hand on the back of her neck. This is all it takes for Rey to truly let herself feel how right it all is. His touch, the way he holds her, the way his smooth skin feels against her body and how thoroughly and passionately he’s kissing her. She feels as if her knees are going to give out and just when she feels herself melting, Ben places both hands at her bottom and lifts.

She doesn’t understand why or how she knows exactly what to do, but suddenly she’s wrapped around him like a vice; her legs are encircled around his hips, the point of contact giving her delicious friction. Her arms are wrapped around his broad shoulders and he’s still kissing her dizzy and she grinds her hips down on his. At the feeling, they both groan, breaking the kiss enough for him to begin kissing down her chin and at her throat. He nibbles at her skin, his teeth sharp, but he soothes it with licks and open-mouthed kisses. He walks them to the bed, wherever that is, and they fall back, his hand breaking her fall, and lowers her down softly while he kisses at her neck and exposed shoulders. He runs his hands up under her tunic and lets his fingers caress her soft skin higher and higher until they reach her breast band.

“Too many clothes,” she whimpers, wriggling up on the bed. He seems to agree, because he begins to pull up at the hem of the tunic and lowers himself to her taut stomach to kiss here and there. ‘I want to feel his skin on mine,’ she thinks but is unable to voice that want at the feeling of his breath and teeth at her hip. She moans instead and pulls up the shirt, sitting up a little to free it from her torso. Kylo lifts up to allow the movement and admires the newly revealed skin with his hands and mouth. He works to unwrap the band around her breasts and she fills with excitement. No one has ever seen her bare. He’s elated when he finally pulls the garment off. He takes a second to admire her pert tits and palms one softly, quickly growing rougher. Rey tilts her head back letting out a breathy moan. He wastes no time to begin lavishing her breasts with kisses and licks, pinching her nipples until they’re pebbled and sensitive. He then snakes a hand down between them and runs it from her knee to her inner thigh, spreading her legs for him to fit himself snuggly in between them. He lowers his kisses to her stomach once again and begins unbuttoning and pulling her pants down. Rey panics for a second, only because she’s never done this before, and although she has seen glimpses of the dirty holovids people sometimes look at, she’s completely inexperienced on what to do and how to behave when a man touches her down there.

Ben must sense the twinge of uneasiness in her emotions because he slows, crawling up her body once again and kissing at her neck and jaw.

“Tell me what you want,” he says roughly and breathily. The sound of his voice sends new sparks of excitement to her core and she presses herself up on him. “Rey,” he insists between kisses.

“I’m scared,” She confesses, “But I don’t want to stop.” To get her point across, she grinds against him, opening her legs wider and pulling down at his shoulders, nails scraping. He groans and thrusts up. She’s so turned on by his momentary loss of control that she pushes sideways at his shoulders and in a sudden movement she rolls on top of him. His eyes are wide and she grinds down on him again, kissing him feverishly and slipping her hand down between them. The finds the outline of his cock under his half undone pants, grips at it and rubs it with her palm. Kylo makes the best sounds and she smirks at how he closes his eyes and moans. She stands and he looks up at the loss of her body heat. Rey makes quick work of taking the rest of her clothes off, including her undergarments, and Ben’s mouth goes dry at the heavenly sight of her. The thatch of curls at the apex of her thighs, her rounded hips, her small waist, her pert little tits, her gorgeous face-- He wants to tell her how perfect she is, but she climbs back on top of him and begins pulling his pants down. 

As hot as it is to see her taking command, Kylo knows there will be time for that later. As soon as he’s naked, he rolls them back over, determined to taste this sweet little thing underneath him. He kisses her until she’s dizzy and begins going down her body once again, this time, pulling her thigh to place it on his shoulder and kissing down it to her center. 

Rey’s back arches off the bed once he places his mouth on her and she lets out a high pitched whine. The feel of his tongue between her folds, the slickness and the languid friction makes her see stars. She feels that she can’t breathe properly, moaning, keening, and whining. Kylo’s response to it all is to press further into her, licking more and teasing her entrance with a finger. Once he slides one of his digits in, Rey is in a place she no longer recognizes. She’s blind with the white hot pleasure of being so gingerly penetrated and tortured by his dexterous tongue. Curses fall out of her lips and Kylo adds a second finger, pumping them in and out of her in such a delectable way at the same time as he begins to suck at her clit. 

If she was losing it before, she’s lost now. Rey can’t breathe. She’s incapable. She chases the pleasure down to the edge of the cliff and falls off the face of the planet, her vision white.

Kylo continues his ministrations until she is shaking, breathless and boneless on the bed. She’s dizzy in the best way possible as he climbs up her body to kiss softly at her chest and collarbones. “You taste like a dream,” he whispers to her. She huffs a happy breath out and lets out a girlish giggle. For the first time ever, she sees a smirk on Ben’s face and her heart flutters. He kisses her and she wants him again, so she reaches down to touch his hard and smooth cock, pumping it once, twice, and all of a sudden, the supreme leader is melting in her hands.

“Fuck,” he murmurs, tangling his hand in her hair and pulling it so that her chin tilts up and he can kiss at the corner of her mouth and her chin. “What do you think you’re doing, Rey?”

She never thought that her name would get her so hot and bothered, but the way he says it, with reverence and a little bit of reprimand makes her more wet than she ever thought she could be.

“Fuck me, Ben.” She says, pleading but in control. He huffs a breath and lowers his hand to touch at her clit again, rubbing circles with light pressure and lining his body up with hers. She’s impatient and as soon as she can feel the head of his cock beginning to push in, she pushes up with her hips. The stretch is uncomfortable at first, but dammit if it's not the most amazing thing she’s ever felt. He eases into her, shallowly at first, hissing at the feeling and the effort of going slow. Her breathy moans encourage him and he’s soon buried at the hilt. He stops there for a while, and kisses Rey, then looks into her eyes, as if waiting for permission. She peers at him through lashes, her hair wild and an utterly debauched gaze in her eyes. They breathe each other’s air and she pumps her hips forward.

“Move,” she commands, and he is all too happy to oblige. He begins to move slowly and she arches into him, searching for the friction she needs. He continues to rub at her clit and, dammit, he has only been inside her for a few moments but she already feels like she’s at the edge of that cliff again and she begins to clench around him with all her might, making him growl in pure pleasure. Kylo responds by moving harder inside her, thrusting now and delights in the way her peachy cunt feels around his cock, squeezing and pulling him in. She’s so close already and he wants to time his release with hers.

“Don’t you,” he says, pulling her hair again and she meets his dark eyes. “ _Dare,_ ” her pupils are blown wide, “Come without me.”

“Ah…” she manages, and he grips her chin. 

“Look at me,” he commands, and she obeys. “Good girl,” he praises and she’s so damn close.

“I can’t--” she whines, “I’m almost--”

Kylo thrusts harder and his movements become erratic. They both moan and fall off the cliff together, breathing and grinding as they come down from the biggest high either of them has ever had. Rey breathes in and out, as Kylo’s head rests on her chest after he pulls out of her. She whines at the loss and threads her fingers through his hair to prevent him from separating his body from hers any further. He stiffens and she realizes what she’s doing.

He gave her what she wanted, didn’t he? He’s done what she asked for. That’s all she wanted, isn’t it? She pulls her hand back and begins sitting up as he does the same. The spell between them is broken and neither of them can look at the other. The utter irony of what they had done while they were at war with each other isn’t lost on Rey and she feels defeated for a second before she shakes the feeling off and reaches for her gray tunic which is laying on a heap on the floor. By the time she turns back to look at Ben after she has slipped the shirt over her head, he’s gone.

________

For the next five days or so, Rey doesn’t see him again. She had woken up sore the next day and done a thorough job of cleaning herself in ‘fresher before she headed out for her meditation, scared that someone could smell him on her and confront her about it.

She trains like hell, making herself ache and even injures one of her ankles on the fourth day, forcing her to take it easy on the fifth. 

She’s meditating in the jungle when she hears engines. She looks up and spots the _Millenium Falcon_ flying overhead. She feels relief at first. Finn and Poe were headed to an extremely dangerous part of the galaxy last time she spoke to them. But then she feels jealousy. She wishes she had gone with them. This whole being-stuck-planet-side thing was driving her to wits end, and although she knew what she was doing was important, she missed her friends. On the other hand, had she not had that fight with Poe three days ago, she would’ve never seen Ben.

The thing about it was that she expected to feel extremely guilty after what had transpired. What she actually felt was an incredible sense of freedom and understanding. Even when things hadn’t ended on the best note, and the last thing she saw was the conflict in his eyes, Rey hadn’t been able to stop thinking about how perfect she felt after their little rendezvous; hair wild, skin on fire, and, although conflicted by their current circumstances, balanced by the way their bodies had made each other feel. There was not an ounce of regret in her consciousness, and she only wished that she could do it again. That she could see him, and touch him, and breathe the same air.

That thought terrified her. She had lied to him after all. Rey had told Ben that all she wanted was to feel less lonely, when in reality she wanted to coax the light out of him with her kiss, her caresses, her undying affection for him. The feeling that she was alone in this sunk her heart, but then she thought about how he had never shut her out, how he had never once refused to be in her presence, how every time the bond snapped into place he was almost eager to drink up her presence. 

Rey breathed in to steady her head, and stood from the rock she sat on. She would go to Finn and Poe and act like the last five days had not been the most unusual experience of her life due to all the mixed thoughts and feelings she had lived through, and she would attempt to make peace with Poe, because she wasn’t really mad at her friend. She was really mad at the circumstances of this stupid, senseless war around them, and the fact that it separated her from the thing she had wanted most since she had been abandoned in Jakku by her family. It separated her from having a peaceful human experience with her friends and the man that haunted her dreams.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The complex feelings surrounding the occurrences she was thinking of only confused her further. She craved Ben’s presence, but she also craved Kylo Ren’s prowess. Both of the sides of that man were alluring and entrancing. She could lose herself in his gaze, in his dark chocolate eyes and the honeyed inner irises that had rendered her a bumbling mess while he pleasured her with his mouth. 
> 
> “Dammit,” she whispers, as she feels his presence in the back of her mind. He had managed to squeeze through the mortar of the bricks in her mind, not as tight and solid as she had perceived.
> 
> ‘What is _this_?’ he asks, curious and somber in her mind.
> 
> Rey squeezes her eyes shut at the visceral reaction her body has at the chill of his deep voice. ‘What do you mean?’ she replies, as nonchalant as she can manage.
> 
> ‘Are you thinking about me?’ He’s teasing but he sounds serious too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello friends! I got a little spurt of motivation this week, so here you go (: 
> 
> Enjoy!

“Poe!” Rey says, running up to the end of the ramp. Her ankle was still a bit sore, but a bacta patch and some elevation had helped it heal fast enough. Poe looks up from his feet, surprised to see Rey running towards them after the argument they had, but glad to see her all the same. He smiles at her and Rey feels at ease, embracing his body when she reaches the end of the ramp.

“Hey, you.” He says, patting her back and taking a step back.

“Where’s Finn?” She asks, looking around and behind Poe. The humidity of Takodana had plastered his curls to his forehead and he hadn’t even been planetside for ten minutes. Poe chuckles and steps sideways so that she can begin climbing the ramp in search of her best friend. 

“He’s gathering a few things,” Poe says while Chewbacca begins walking down the ramp to ruffle Rey’s wild hair. “He should be down in a minute.” Rey smiles up at Chewy and listens to his gurgly words telling her she needs a visit to the ‘fresher. She shakes her head and explains she’s been out meditating and trudging through the brush all day. It’s part of the job, she explains, with a shrug, and Chewy ruffles her head again.

“Rey!” Finn says, walking down calmly and hugging his friend. They smile at each other. 

“So?” She asks, patting his broad and sturdy shoulders. Finn begins explaining that the cell of resistance left on Bothawui is small, but it can certainly grow. They had to avoid several first order ships on their way to the planet, and things got a little exciting here and there.

“But overall it was a good trip,” he says. “They’ve sent some stuff back with us. Credits, connections to weapon vendors, you know, the usual.”

Leia walks up behind them and they both turn to her, uttering the formalities as one does when faced with a general. Leia has Finn, Poe, and Chewy follow her and Rey tags along because she needs to know everything too, so that she can help, of course. They reach Leia’s official office-- which is really no more than a cave in the walls of the Takodanian rock face. It serves its purpose as Poe begins to explain their trip, the people’s names and information they’ve come back with that will work for the resistance. Leia documents it all, saying her frail mind will fail her if she doesn’t write it all down, and Rey does no more than listen and twiddle her thumbs. 

“I’m glad things turned out as expected, minus the hiccups,” Leia says, pulling down her glasses onto the bridge of her nose and looking up at Poe with a slight curve upon her lips. Poe nods curtly.

“There _is_ one more thing,” Finn says from behind him. Leia turns her eyes upon him.

“And that is?” she asks expectantly.

Finn, a little nervous, steps forward to be in line with Poe, as he gives Finn an encouraging nod forward. “Well, it seems there’s a weapons vendor in the mid-rim. They have no qualms working for the rebellion in accordance with good pay, but they are unwilling to begin a contract unless contacted directly by an officer of our own that bears your seal-- with your authorization, of course.”

Leia ponders on the idea for a moment, and Poe smirks at Finn in confirmation, ‘You got this,’ the smirk seems to say.

“And why do we need this particular weapons dealer?” Leia says as she examines Finn. He hesitates for a second, mulling over his response.

“She used to work for the First Order. Forges weapons of extreme detail and high caliber. Works with any ship in the galaxy. Basically a genius at what she does. At least that is what I heard while I was a Stormtrooper. I think that with the high state of repair we are constantly under, and the way this war is raging on… we need someone that can work our ships with a fast turnaround and high quality weapons. She has a whole team that would come with her. We would need to vet each of them, just to be safe, but I believe this would be an asset to our cause. It’s extremely likely that we will need to be in open battle again soon, and things must shift in our favor somehow if we are to be up to par with the First Order’s technology.” Finn is firm in body and mind, and his tone is respectful all the while. He’s selling this idea to the general of an extremely diminished force, who is lacking for credits and ships that could withstand a major battle. The odds are unlikely.

“What is the cost?” She calculates.

“She’s not cheap, if that’s what you are asking,” Poe steps in, “But I agree with Finn. We need this.”

A pregnant silence settles over the group, Leia thinking, and then shuffling some papers. She examines the one she was looking for closely, and then looks up at Poe. “I've got a quote here from a weapons mechanic. His people are vetted, and he’s worked with us before. The work isn’t the best, but he does his job and our ships fly.” She purses her lips and shifts her eyes onto Finn, “If this weapons vendor can keep the price around here,” She says, shaking the page, “and do a better job, I’ll sign a contract immediately.”

Finn huffs, “General, with all due respect, our ships barely fly, and they can’t defend themselves against tie-fighters and star destroyers. We need to make some investments if we want to even be on the same level as the First Order. As we are, we will be decimated the next time we meet face to face with them.”

The general stares at Finn, and it is definitely intimidating, Rey notices, but Finn doesn’t flinch, he doesn't shrink. If anything, and she’s proud, Finn puffs up his chest and rolls his shoulders back ever so slightly, confident in his pitch. Leia lets out a puff of air and looks down at the paper in her hands.

“Listen here boys,” she says, and both men can sense the probability of their success in her voice, “You have a standard galactic week to get me a quote from this Weapons Dealer, or mechanic, or whatever. I cannot approve a new defense budget by myself, but I can pitch and defend one in a meeting, and maybe even win the other parts over if it is all well researched.” She said as she tapped a pen on her desk. “You get her to quote every single item on this list, just like this one did,” she explains as she holds out the paper to Finn, “and I’ll see if it’s even worth looking at. If it is unreasonable, do not expect me to side with you. You know how funds are around here-- limited. We’ve got a whole rebellion to feed, a whole galaxy to recruit, equipment to maintain, and countless repairs to make. This is to be taken into consideration with all the seriousness the subject matter requires. Understood?”

Finn and Poe’s matching smiles are iridescent with pride as they both nod in understanding. Finn takes the paper out of Leia’s hands, they are dismissed, and they both walk out, happy as clams. Rey hops off the table she was sitting on and gives a sideway smile to Leia, who returns it with equal mischief in it. 

“You remember that talk we had two days ago?” Leia asks. Rey nods in agreement and Leia encourages her to go after the boys. She follows them out and hangs her arms on both their shoulders, “Well, that was something,” she says with a pearly smile.

Finn chuckles and shakes his head, “I can’t believe she would even entertain the idea,”

Poe laughs, “He was so nervous to even ask.” 

Rey keeps smiling at both of them, “Well,” she starts, “I think we better do a good job of getting her to quote some low prices on that sheet.”

The buys immediately stop walking. Finn smirks at Rey, but Poe looks absolutely astounded--vexed, even. “We?”

Rey’s smile falters and her arms fall to her side.

“Listen, I know I said some things before you all left--”

“Are you saying you’re coming with us this time?” Poe says, suspicious.

Rey looks down at her feet, pulling at a thread on her linen tunic, “I mean, only if I am welcome.”

“Welcome?” Finn exclaims in disbelief, “Rey--”

“Are you daft?” Poe says, and Rey winces at the accusing tone.

“I--”

“I’ve been begging you to come along all this time and you’re asking _if we will have you_?”

Her eyes shoot up at him, “We fought!” She explains.

“As we do, Rey.” He agrees, “We discussed, we may have argued, even, but you never, and I absolutely mean _never_ have to ask if we will have you. You are our friend, our comrade, and the one who kicks butt the most out of all three of us.” He says with a chuckle and his hand pats her shoulder. “You are _always_ welcome. I was just surprised, that is all.”

Rey slowly smiles at Poe, her eyes brimming with tears. “I’m sorry we argued,” she says and they embrace tightly while he chuckles.

“I’m sorry as well, but I also wouldn’t have it any other way,” Poe says.

“Who would keep him in line if you didn’t, peanut?” Finn says with a smirk, and Rey laughs. They spend the rest of the evening eating and drinking ale at the cantina, making plans to leave the day after tomorrow, Poe and Finn’s animated gestures keep Rey light and airy, and distracted from the thought of the man that burrows deeper into her soul with every passing minute.

___________________

It’s a miracle that she has lasted this long taking a nap during the day. Back in Jakku, the only thing that aided Rey in sleeping during the day was the hot weather and stuffy nature of the planet, which allowed for long naps. She never felt quite right after them though; always woke up with a dry throat, a throbbing headache, and dizzy from dehydration.

Today, though, she wakes up feeling like she could sleep longer, like the old feather pillows and fluffy fleece blankets were cuddling her, and she belongs in this bed. The knock at her door, however, tells her otherwise, and she grunts in annoyance, “Who is it?”

“Me and Poe.” Finn declares, to which she gives a weak ‘come in.’

“Wake up, sleepy head,” Finn laughs. She sits up at the sound of his voice with significant effort and sighs while she rubs her eyes.  
“Are you all packed up?”

Rey nods, and gestures to the corner of her room, where a leather bag sits, heavy and thick, and her staff leans against the wall, making a shadow across it. “I fell asleep after I was done. I was awful tired.” They would only be gone for a couple of days, but Rey wanted to be prepared and packed two pairs of everything.

“We need to speak to the head kitchen lady,” Poe says, “Chewie ate more than his share last time. We’re going to need some extra portions this time.” Rey scrunches her nose. 

“Can you make sure she packs the rice cakes? I can’t stand how she over spices everything lately.” 

“That’s all we get anyways. She will only give us dried Bantha meat, rice cakes, and preserved vegetables.” Poe says with a distasteful look on his face. Rey shrugs, “That’s pretty much all I’ve been eating anyway. That and porridge.”

“Ugh,” Finn says with a grimace, “That all sounds so bland.”

“She over-spices things!” Rey protests. Finn laughs and shakes her comment off with his hand.

“Anyway, we’ve gotta fix a couple of things on the Falcon before we take off tomorrow. Chewie is waiting for us. We need our best mechanic.”

Rey smiles, the sleep all rubbed off of her eyes. “Alright, lets go.” She locks her room behind her using the keypad and then follows Poe and Finn to the hangar. As soon as they get there, she gets to work, not wanting to waste any time since they’re leaving in the early morning. Poe checks the engine when Rey tells him to, and revises all controls on the inside, even adjusts the pilot chair for Rey so that he doesn’t hear about how close-up he pilots in the morning.

They spend the afternoon making sure the Falcon is in tip-top shape, and go into the late night going over their route towards Dinzo.

“Why is she in Dinzo anyway?” Rey asks, giving Poe a sideways glance.

“The First Order began storing weapons there at the beginning of their rise in power. The old towns and abandoned mines made some great coverage and hiding places from the New Republic, who saw the deserted planet and never gave it much thought.” Poe explained, “But after the First Order launched a full-fledged attack, they only used the planet as an old junkyard.”

“I imagine since she broke the contract with the First Order, she’s been using the spare parts to fix up other ships for individuals.” Finn explained further, “She’s been black listed by the Order, so she can’t get any big contracts, and her employees have been steadily leaving.”

“So the only reason she wants to work for the rebellion is for money,” Rey declares, raising an eyebrow in disapproval.

“Her and her people hate the First Order,” Poe clarifies.

“She’ll do anything to bring them down.” Finn affirms.

“Ah,” Rey ponders, “So she’s vindictive _and_ dangerous. Great.”

“I agree it’s not the best combination,” Finn nods, “but she’s an asset. One we need and could put us at an advantage. We can’t purchase new ships without the First Order knowing about it, and we can’t sign a contract with any major weapon and ship manufacturing distributors. This is our only opportunity to give our fleet an approximate chance and withstanding an attack from the Order.”

He was staring straight at the charted map while Rey examined his face. The hurt the First Order had caused in Finn wasn’t a fresh wound, but a painful scar, and Rey could see that he and whoever this weapon’s dealer had had one thing in common: their hatred and wish for revenge. She took a deep breath through her nose and nodded at Finn.

“Well, if you’re sure, then so are we,” she assured him, making eye contact with Poe’s deep and sympathetic brown eyes. They continued talking about their plans and their route; Poe contested a few spots, quoting their experiences on their way to Bothawui, and Finn agreed and disagreed with some of them. All the while, Chewie and Rey discussed the weak spots on the ship. They agreed that the Falcon would need a full-fledged maintenance round when they returned, and that they would have to order some parts, unless they, maybe, found something that worked at the Dinzo junkyard.

They ate in the hangar bay that night and went back to their respective rooms after packing all rations and giving Chewie a lecture about eating his share. The Wookie reluctantly agreed not to touch the food stored and they prepared for an early morning by resting as much as they could.

When Rey reached her room and her bed, however, she found it hard to fall asleep. She tossed and turned with no relief. Maybe it was the nap she had taken earlier? Rey sat on her bed, staring down at her rough, calloused hands, and breathed deeply.

Was he on the same time cycle as them? Was it nighttime in his quarters? She wondered if he thought about her at night too, ever since their last encounter. She breathed in and strengthened the wall that kept him out. She was about to go looking for a weapons mechanic that could make their ships more able to stand against his side of the war. Faster and more powerful. Powerful enough to destroy Tie Fighters. Like the one he piloted. 

The pain she felt at the thought took her by surprise, but it did not shock her. Rey knew _very well_ how much she cared for the man, and yet, all that he was went against what she was fighting for in the company of her friends. The way he had almost killed Poe by driving into his brain with the darkness was unbelievable and Rey had burst into tears when she heard the recollection of it sitting at the fire with Poe, Finn, and Rose during a night not so long ago. Her friends were not startled by her tears, knowing that she had gone through the same, but what they didn’t know, is that Rey was also crying for Ben’s soul, and the toll she knew it took on him when he raked his sharp and vicious claws through their minds; how much of his very being broke away and withered as he walked hand in hand with the darkness that Snoke had forced upon him since his childhood. Rey wasn’t just crying because she knew the pain Poe had experienced, but also because she had done the same back to Ben, and she had felt how powerful it was, to be able to break through someone’s defenses without so much as a fight from their end.

The complex feelings surrounding the occurrences she was thinking of only confuse her further. She craved Ben’s presence, but she also craved Kylo Ren’s prowess. Both of the sides of that man were alluring and entrancing. She could lose herself in his gaze, in his dark chocolate eyes and the honeyed inner irises that had rendered her a bumbling mess while he pleasured her with his mouth. 

“Dammit,” she whispers, as she feels his presence in the back of her mind. He had managed to squeeze through the mortar of the bricks in her mind, not as tight and solid as she had perceived.

‘What is _this_?’ he asks, curious and somber in her mind.

Rey squeezes her eyes shut at the visceral reaction her body has at the chill of his deep voice. ‘What do you mean?’ she replies, as nonchalant as she can manage.

‘Are you thinking about me?’ He’s teasing but he sounds serious too. Rey sucks in a breath slowly. ‘I think about it too.’ He confesses, ‘Every night.’

It surprises her, his blatant confession. ‘I thought you didn’t want more than an encounter.’ She responds, vexed.

‘How could you possibly think that I know I made you come and then I forgot about it so casually, Rey?’ the vibrations of his voice tickle her mind and make her gasp at his daring words.

A moment passes, ‘What game are you playing?’ She says. Rey may not be capable of manipulating the Supreme Leader, but he certainly has the skill.

‘Join me, Rey.’ 

Her stomach instantly drops. ‘Ben…’

‘I can’t forget our night together. I’ve been trying to reach you ever since.’ He says, and though his voice is serious and monotone, she can hear the crack of uncertainty and loneliness behind it. ‘You’ve blocked me out so well.’

‘Not well enough,’ she fusses.

‘Rey-- enough. Do you think I don’t see how badly you want this?’

Tears begin forming at the corner of her eyes. ‘I can’t entertain your ideas of a government, Ben. It’s a dictatorship!’

‘Why does it matter? Why does anything matter? _You_ will have all you need. _You_ will be taken care of and have anything you’ve ever wanted.’

‘I cannot do that, Ben! I cannot sit there and be your pet while the rest of the galaxy starves and is whipped by their slavers!’

It’s quiet then. ‘You agreed.’ She pauses, ‘you made your stance clear.’ Then, she painfully declares, ‘And so have I.’

A small window opens, as if she can see a flash of his face, the pain, the betrayal, the hurt, and she slams it shut, harder than she has ever done so, and cries herself to sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> Come bug me on twitter :D @sleepingtidess


End file.
